



































































COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT 




























4 


* 










































THE AUTHOR AND PUBLISHER 





PERPETRATIONS 


WISE AND OTHERWISE 


BY 

MARION HOWARD 



MARION H. BRAZIER, Publisher 

TRINITY COURT 
BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS 

1911 


Copyright, 1911 , 

BY 

MARION H. BRAZIER 

All rights reserved 


Stanhope jpresa 

P. H. GILSON COMPANT 
BOSTON. U.S.A. 


$ J-.OO 

©CI.A3035G7 

%r.t 




Dedicated to my Brother 

FREDERICK WILLIAM BRAZIER 

ABLE, HONEST, LOYAL, RESPECTED, 
GENEROUS AND SELF-MADE 


* 


* 


FOREWORD 


By request of many persons this book 
has been prepared and in the hope that 
my “ first offense ” will not be the last. 
It is for you, reader, to declare the verdict. 
Please make your sentence like the book 
— light. 


,THE AUTHOR. 




















PERPETRATIONS 


LIKE YOUR PRESENTS? 

ANY MISFITS? 

Someone (perhaps you know her) re¬ 
ceived a pink satin handkerchief case as 
a Christmas gift and it was minus con¬ 
tents. Now that person had been quite 
unable to purchase any luxuries and had 
been hard pressed for necessities for some 
time, all of which was known to the giver. 
Pink is a color she abominates, except on 
dolls, babies, and debutantes, and perhaps 
bridesmaids. It is unbecoming to her — 
a factor in itself. She had a box some¬ 
where in storage filled with such useless 
articles and her glove and handkerchief 
boxes were empty. “There are others,” 

so why not establish an exchange for mis- 
7 



8 


Perpetrations 


fit Christmas gifts? That's what the 
average mortal needs! 

Somewhere an enterprising individual 
has started an establishment where wed¬ 
ding presents may be exchanged, but a 
person gets married but once on the 
average, some never reach the altar (or 
halter as it too often proves), while 
Christmas affairs occur at regular inter¬ 
vals. 

What a boon for instance for the young 
clergyman who has been remembered by 
sundry misguided members of his flock 
with slippers, several pairs, embroidered 
elaborately. He might exchange them 
for a meerschaum pipe or a box of collars. 
How would these victims fare? 

“Boy of twelve wishes to exchange a 
copy of ‘Josephus’ (new) for a second¬ 
hand one of ‘Bill of the Bloody Gulch’ 
or ‘Deadhead Joe the Slick Detective.’” 

“Young lady will part with seven 



Perpetrations 


9 


Christmas cards (hand-painted) for a 
plain gold ring to wear on her engage¬ 
ment finger.” 

" Laundress desires to exchange a mani¬ 
cure set for a pair of woolen stockings — 
any color.” 

" Young lady of fourteen will exchange 
a wax doll with real hair for a copy of 
'The Quick or the Dead/” 

"Gentleman desires to part with a 
pair of very large red mittens for a club 
sandwich.” 

"Boy of eleven in long pants will give 
a fancy cap labeled 'for a good boy’ in 
exchange for a dime museum ticket — 
any day.” 

" Lad of ten will give a copy of ' Lamb’s 
Poems of Childhood’ (leaves uncut) for 
a baseball bat.” 

"Widow has a pale pink tidy which 
she will give for one square meal.” 

"Washlady (very poor) will exchange 



10 


Perpetrations 


a pair of white kid gloves (too small) for 
a quart of anthracite.” 

“ Mother of family of ten will give a 
vinaigrette for ten pairs of cheap socks 
or a pair of flatirons.” 

“Scrub woman, needing fuel, will ex¬ 
change a lovely hand mirror for bag of 
coal and kindling wood.” 

“Person out of work will relinquish a 
set of Shakespeare for a package of meal 
tickets — any cafe.” 

“Engaged young lady will part with 
a book on ‘ Happy Girl Bachelors ’ for an 
up-to-date cookbook.” 

“Elevator boy desires to exchange a 
bright red necktie for a box of cigarettes 
— any brand.” 

“A father will exchange a big drum sent 
his son for — most anything not noisy.” 

“Lady not owning a piano will ex¬ 
change a music book for two pairs of 
stockings — size 9,” etc. 



BOSTON IN A NUTSHELL 

(From an After-dinner Toast) 


Born September 17, 1630. Called 
Shawmut by the Indians. Was a penin¬ 
sula, and a popular summer resort for 
the Red Men. Very few native trees 
there when John Winthrop arrived, the 
Old Elm on the Common being the 
largest. This barrenness accounted for 
from the fact that the Indians had burned 
them down to secure planting ground. 
In the winter they fled inland, so that 
when the white men landed no natives 
were visible. This peninsula was re¬ 
named “Tri-Mountain” because of the 
three hills, Beacon, Copps, and Fort. 
For a time this name clung, and then it 
was decided at a very spirited town meet¬ 
ing, that there should be three towns, 
Boston, Mattapan, and Dorchester. A 


12 


Perpetrations 


tourist arriving later, writing home to 
England, said in part: “Boston is two 
miles northeast from Roxberry. The 
people’s greatest want be wood and 
meadow ground. It being a neck and 
bare of wood they are not troubled with 
wolves, rattlesnakes or musketoes.” 

Boston’s name was taken from Boston 
in Lincolnshire, England, from which 
place many of the early Colonists em¬ 
barked. Rev. William Blaxton was the 
original owner of all of Boston. He held 
a grant for the whole peninsula. His 
farm was on Boston Common, but later 
he moved on to other parts of the Colony. 
Boston Common was purchased for 
$150; to-day it is worth 100 millions. 
As its name implies, it belongs to the 
common people — in other words all 
citizens, with no sex distinction either. 
To become unpopular in Boston is to 
suggest that any part of the Common 



Perpetrations 


13 


be taken for commercial use — that is, 
above ground. It is the Hub’s great 
breathing place and playground. 

Boston has her “leaning tower” — a 
nineteenth-century acquisition. If you 
do not believe it, just take a look at the 
New Old South Church steeple, going or 
coming toward it, on Boylston street. 
It may rival the Tower of Pisa in time. 
It leans fifteen inches southwest from 
the coping of turret to the ground, but 
architects say there is no danger of its 
falling. The entire Back Bay is made 
land, and millions of piles support the 
various buildings built there since the 
early ’70’s. 

Boston’s alleys are unique as well as 
historic. Do you know you can walk 
many blocks, starting from Cornhill, 
without ever once stepping on Tremont 
or Washington streets? In some places 
the old alleys have yielded to the march 



14 


Perpetrations 


of progress and been closed up, or appro¬ 
priated, but you can still go through 
several stores. As to crooked streets, I 
am reminded of the Philadelphia drum¬ 
mer who on School Street entered a 
vigorous complaint to a friend and asked 
why we did not straighten our streets, 
so a fellow could get somewhere without 
retracing his steps. The Hub man said, 
“Say, look here, old boy, if our city was as 
dead as yours our streets would be laid 
out straight enough.” 

Among the libels against Boston may 
be mentioned the saying, “Oh, yes, you 
can tell a Boston woman, but you can’t 
tell her much.” On approaching Boston 
a woman tourist noticed a granite block 
on the highway which once bore the in¬ 
scription “I M. from Boston.” Some 
wag had inserted an apostrophe after 
that I, so that it read “I’M from Boston,” 
whereupon she exclaimed, “Well, I knew 



Perpetrations 


15 


Boston people were conceited about their 
town, but it is the limit when they label 
their stones on the outskirts.’’ A good 
story (not new) is that of a very proper 
man, who was bereft of his wife, and de¬ 
sired these words on her tombstone, “She 
has gone to a better place.” The marble 
cutter expostulated, and said: “Look 
here, I can’t put that on, would it not be 
better to say 'She has gone to Heaven/ 
since there is no better place than 
Boston?” 



THE LETTER “S” IN THE SPANISH- 
AMERICAN WAR 

A prize was offered in 1898 for the 
largest number of words beginning with 
the letter “M” relating to the Spanish- 
American War. This was won by a 
Boston newspaper woman whose first 
name begins with M. She submitted 
the following: — First the Maine (and 
incidentally the mine), McKinley, Miles, 
Madrid, Matanzas, Manila, Montogo, 
Maria Christina, Maria Theresa, Mari¬ 
anne, Minneapolis, Merrimac, Mole St. 
Nicholas, Manzanillo, Morro, Mobile, 
Massachusetts, Merriam, Monterey, 
Monte, Monadnock, Meikeljohn, Maxim 
McCalla, Mahan, Mangrove, Marietta, 
Merritt, Machias (and her commander 
Merry), Miller, Marshall, Masso, Macias, 

and Marti. Among the women were 
16 


Perpetrations 


17 


McLean, Manning, and McGee (for the 
D. A. R.). Mention might be made of 
marines, mines, monks, mumps, monitors, 
militia, mosquitos, ministers, marches, 
malaria, misery, majors, measles, martyrs, 
mud, and memories. 

The winner then sent forth a far greater 
number of words beginning with the 
letter “S” as follows: — Spain, Sigsbee, 
Sentiment, Senate. Then the story 
reads: — Sampson’s & Schley’s sailors & 
Shafter’s soldiers secured Santiago’s sur¬ 
render. Siboney, San Juan hill super¬ 
seded same. Squadron sent Spicer’s sea¬ 
men seeking Spanish soil. Silvey sent 
stars & stripes skyward. Spanish squad¬ 
rons sunk Sunday. Second & sixth state 
(Massachusetts) soldiers saw service. 

Who else figured? Sagasta, Sternburg, 
Springer, Senac, Sherman, Selfridge, 
Swinburne, Swift, Snow, Schofield, Sperry, 
Schouler, Sands, Sartoris, Scovell, Schell 



18 


Perpetrations 


(artist), Seccombe, Stern, Sousa, Stevens, 
Stanley, Stearns, Sanborn, Simpson, 
Sayre, Scudder, Scull, Strong, Stedman, 
Stark, Shennon, Swan, Stoddard, Snyder, 
Stevens, Smith, Sherburne, Stover, 
Simonds, Schmidt (the last 21 being 
Harvard men and Rough Riders). 

Among the women to take part were: 
Schenck (Natalie), Schley (Jessie), Sis¬ 
ters of Mercy. The ships? St. Paul, 
State of Texas, Solace, Serapin, Seneca, 
St. Louis, & Saturnina. Scranton (Pa.) 
sailor sent 1st speedy shot. Seventeen 
seventy-six shots sent sixth day, sending 
Spanish ships to sands. Places? Santa 
Clara, Sevilla, San Antonio, Songo, San 
Juan, Subig Bay, Sandwich Islands. 

Favorite march, Stars and Stripes. 

Favorite song, Star-Spangled Banner. 

What the soldiers found: Surf, sharks, 
sharp-shooters, sun, stumps, spies, snakes, 
scorpions, sand, stumblingblocks, sys- 



Perpetrations 


19 


tem (?), semi-barbarity, soakings, sack¬ 
ings, sunstrokes, strains, stench, stockades, 
shots, sprains, sufferings severe, shameful 
starvations, scandalous sickness, slaughter, 
and sacrifice. 

What they wanted: Supplies, support, 
stimulants, smokes, service, stewards, 
soup, streams, suppers, swims, stamps, 
sleep, socks, shipment, strength, satis¬ 
faction, and smokeless Springfields. 

Other words in connection are: South¬ 
erners, Suez canal, searchlights, stamp tax, 
survivors, scare, society, soldiers, signals, 
shells, straight shooting, spirit, Senor, 
souvenirs, secretaries (army, navy, and 
state), shipwrecks, shoulder straps, show¬ 
ers, skirmish, shells, smells, scrutiny, 
spite, slanders, spoils, sabre, shouts, shud¬ 
ders, splits, sighs, strategy, scabbard, 
sin, subsistence, suspicion, swelter, swear¬ 
ing, Styx. Last, not least, our greatest 
American “Sam” — our uncle. 



OUR HONORED DEAD 


A recurrence of Memorial Day re¬ 
news memories of sorrow with those of 
triumph. The sorrow is less bitter, and 
the triumph is without anger. It is 
noticeable that more and more of the 
blue and gray spirit prevails; speakers 
and hearers alike show nothing vindictive; 
the harsher pictures of war are kept in 
the background, and the rising genera¬ 
tion is taught to look forward to a century 
of profound peace. 

Each year, as the veterans of America’s 
greatest war assemble to honor the memo¬ 
ries of their fallen comrades, their own 
ranks are less numerous. There are few 
except gray-haired men among them now. 
All honor to the part they bore in that 
contest. No matter though the coat be 

poor, the fact that it is worn by one who 
20 


Perpetrations 


21 


wore the blue in the struggles that ce¬ 
mented the National Union gives its 
wearer the highest claim to the respect 
and honor of every patriotic American. 
There has been far too little consideration 
given to the veterans of the war, especially 
during the past few years. When they 
left their homes, fifty years ago, the prom¬ 
ises were freely made that, should they 
return, nothing that the people could give 
would be thought too good for them to 
claim, and that for those who should not 
return the gratitude of the country for 
their services would provide amply for 
their families. These promises have not 
always been kept as we know. So long 
as any veteran soldier lives, let him 
know that what he did in the most heroic 
age of American history is remembered 
with gratitude. 

With the principles of love and rever¬ 
ence for “one country and one flag” 



22 


Perpetrations 


firmly rooted in the hearts of our own 
citizens, we need not fear the invasion 
of foreign nations, whether they come as 
armed foes or as immigrants to our shores. 
Let all come who have the elements of 
making good citizens of any country and 
we can quickly Americanize them. They 
will soon be able to celebrate Memorial 
Day as reverently, Independence Day as 
joyfully, and Thanksgiving Day with as 
grateful hearts as do those whose ances¬ 
tors first observed a day of Thanksgiving 
for the harvest of 1621, celebrated the 
Fourth of July with ringing of bells and 
burning of powder at the suggestion of 
John Adams, or marched with the boys 
in blue of 1861. 

These three holidays are national by 
universal consent if not by legislative 
enactment. Not observed by other coun¬ 
tries, as are New Year’s Day and Christ¬ 
mas, not limited by religious belief or by 



Perpetrations 


23 


political partisanship, as are some of our 
other holidays, there is not a true-hearted 
citizen of the United States who does not 
observe them in his heart if not in actions, 
whether he is at home or in foreign lands. 

When the last of the boys in blue shall 
have passed away, their memory and 
the history of their deeds will remain as 
a legacy, not only to their descendants, 
but to the nation they helped to save. 
May it ever cherish those memories and 
strive to be worthy of the sacrifices and 
sufferings of those who defended it in the 
time of peril. 



LITTLE DISAPPOINTMENTS 

Many of us can endure the great disap¬ 
pointments which fall to our share with 
comparative fortitude, being supported 
therein by the sympathy of every feeling 
soul; it is soothing to know that we do 
not suffer for naught, that there are others 
who realize the ordeal through which we 
pass, who are with us in spirit, who com¬ 
mend our patience, call us heroic, and 
hold our example up for imitation. A 
great disappointment sets us upon a pin¬ 
nacle, apart from the common crowd; 
we feel exalted by it, endowed with a sad 
pre-eminence; sorrow has given us a cer¬ 
tain fame among our contemporaries; 
the commiseration of friend and foe is a 
tender tribute to our affliction, and no 
sentiment less kindly than a sort of ad¬ 
miring envy is excited by our elevation 

24 


Perpetrations 


25 


above the commonplace being whom 
grief has passed by. But the little haras¬ 
sing, nagging, every-day disappointments 
— who appreciates or cares anything 
about them? Who but laughs at them 
when they come to light, and recommends 
us to more dignified troubles? Who sym¬ 
pathizes when the customer upon whom 
we have set our heart fails us; when the 
storm postpones our favorite excursion; 
when the blanc-mange catches, the cake 
turns out heavy, and the preserves fer¬ 
ment; when the hens plough up our care¬ 
fully buried bulbs, the potato-worm en¬ 
camps in our patch, and the canker-worm 
folds his tent in our gillyflower apple tree, 
and doesn’t steal silently away until he has 
wrought ruin? Is there any balm in 
Gilead when the expected guest fails to 
appear, $fter vast preparations; when we 
are obliged to go out to dinner with the 
wrong person, and the right one is devoted 



26 


Perpetrations 


to our arch enemy; when our dearest 
friend declares our new hat a fright, and 
admires the people we detest; when our 
photograph looks ten years older than 
ourselves, and ten times uglier; when our 
verses are respectfully declined by the 
magazines, our lottery tickets draw blanks, 
and our partners at the dance are like 
angels’ visits? There is no sense of 
superiority, as if we had been specially 
selected for endurance, to atone for the 
bitterness of these things, which are such 
as try our souls. These are the woes 
which corrode and fret, which pucker the 
brow and depress the spirit — little dis¬ 
appointments about the weather, about 
money, about attention or consideration, 
above which some immortal souls rise 
superior — they are perhaps too trifling to 
speak of, to demand sympathy for, but 
the annoyance or pain involved may be 
quite out of proportion with the cause. 



Perpetrations 


27 


Is it because they are so inevitable, so 
universal, that we have agreed to ridicule 
them, to call them trivial, without reck¬ 
oning in the daily demands which they 
make upon the equanimity of the victim? 



WOMAN BACHELOR. DOES SHE 
NEED DEFENSE? 

“ One may laugh at the love-lorn and lonely old 
maid, 

And pity her husbandless state, 

Since her hopes, one by one, she has tenderly laid 
In the narrow graves fashioned by fate; 

But the other who loses not maidenhood’s way 
Of setting men’s hearts in a whirl, 

She is not an old maid, though past thirty to-day; 
She is simply a bachelor girl.” 

It is sometimes said that all women, 
not incurably deformed, can marry if 
they like; but such is not the case in 
Massachusetts, where women are more 
or less attractive. The reason for this is 
that they outnumber the men, and con¬ 
sequently there are not enough of the 
male species to go round as husbands. 
Result — old maids, or, to be up to date, 
women bachelors; or, to be more polite, 

“unappropriated blessings.” 

28 


Perpetrations 


29 


Why this superfluity of women? Well, 
the War of ’61 robbed the Common¬ 
wealth of thousands of men far in excess 
of any other state. Then, too, the Bay 
State has become a mecca for women 
from all parts of New England, as evi¬ 
denced in the several clubs made up of 
members born in Maine, New Hamp¬ 
shire, and Vermont. They have come 
and appropriated our possible husbands. 
Enrolled also are many single women 
with an eye to the main chance. 

Now, then, with man in the minority, 
we of Massachusetts have had to “ paddle 
our own canoe,” and it is not so difficult 
when once in the boat with the proper 
balance, and some perfer to rock the boat 
rather than the cradle. We enjoy cer¬ 
tain prerogatives hitherto monopolized 
by mere man, such as owning and manip¬ 
ulating the latch key. The fear of not 
having that “Mrs.” on her tombstone 



30 


Perpetrations 


has driven many a woman to matrimony 
in the great West — not so in Massachu¬ 
setts, where at least fifteen professions 
are open to women. It is not now a 
question of sex but ability that counts. 
Speaking of the West, there is another 
reason why we are shy on men, for did 
not the late Horace Greeley urge our men 
to “Go West and grow up with the coun¬ 
try”? They did, and in droves, and alas 
they married far from home, leaving many 
a “Barkis” behind. 

A woman bachelor need not be a man¬ 
nish sort. She need not lose her feminine 
charm one whit. The girl who has had 
to make the best of circumstances, pre¬ 
serving her lovable traits of character, 
and has imbibed, at the same time, a 
goodly amount of self-assertive force 
through her association with men in the 
business and professional world, is often 
more companionable for men than the 



Perpetrations 


31 


woman who has known nothing of the 
rougher edges of life. She has seen the 
world at different angles, has found pleas¬ 
ure in her work, kept her circle of friends 
large. She takes an interest in public 
questions, and has no time to mope. 
Some are born for the fireside, some are 
not. 


For the New Year, “ Swear on — not 
off,” swear to be open and aboveboard 
in dealing with your fellow men, for 
frankness is a rare virtue and not often 
appreciated. Swear to forget all the 
petty efforts to do you harm, swear to 
put all your troubles behind you; above 
all, swear to be true to friends and gen¬ 
erous toward enemies, if you have them,— 
and it is a pretty namby-pamby sort of 
creature who has no enemies. Be a good 
soldier and never retreat under fire, for 




32 


Perpetrations 


right will prevail, and you can afford to 
stand on the “firing line” and watch 
results. Cultivate your mind and let it 
govern rightly. 



A BURNING TOPIC 


(Extracts from the Author’s Lecture on “Cremation — Is 
it a Fad ? ”) 

“ During the desecration of the Old 
Cemetery on Boston Common to make 
way for rapid transit, passers-by were 
amazed at the scenes witnessed. In full 
view were scattered remains of many 
bodies which had lain peacefully there 
for a decade, and skulls were tossed about 
like footballs, by foreign and ignorant 
workmen, until the authorities called a 
halt. Many a convert was, then and 
there, made to cremation, which does 
away with such unwholesome and loath¬ 
some sights too often witnessed. Fre¬ 
quently these graveyards are found to be 
in the way when a city or town wants a 
slice for a park or railroad, and we have 
to take up the remains and 'move on.’ 

33 


34 


Perpetrations 


As to earth burial, it is natural to remem¬ 
ber our dear ones as they were tenderly 
laid away. Thoughts of decay and dis¬ 
solution are not permitted to remain in 
our minds, for we rather feel that what 
was mortal is still there and simply con¬ 
cealed from view. Thousands cherish 
these vain thoughts without the slightest 
regard for the living. It is common cus¬ 
tom to bequeath our accumulated mi¬ 
crobes to some cemetery, along with 
millions already there, so that miles and 
miles of infected soil are all around us 
to-day. 

“The constant push from country to 
city, the massing of the people in small 
areas, the increasing value of old grave¬ 
yards, like three in the very heart of 
Boston and many others in the city lim¬ 
its, sets one a-thinking. In the march 
of progress and events, the commercial 
requirements of the future, these grave- 



Perpetrations 


35 


yards must sooner or later disappear. 
Without being an intentional alarmist, 
the fact remains that the evil is here and 
threatening. There is nothing repulsive 
about cremation properly done, as those 
of us who have witnessed incineration of 
bodies can truthfully say. Aside from 
the lesson taught on Boston Common, 
other lessons can be learned, chief of 
which is the sanitary advantages over 
and above earth burial. Quite a differ¬ 
ence exists between dust to dust (polluted) 
and ashes to ashes (purified).” 



TIME’S FLIGHT 


(Culled from the Author’s Lecture on “ Are We Growing 
Older Gracefully ? ”) 

“ Someone said to me ‘I feel that I am 
growing old for want of someone to tell 
me that I am looking as young as ever/ 
Is there not a vast deal of vital air in 
loving and encouraging words?” 

“Age has its very distinct value. 
What would a house be without Grand¬ 
ma? How much of an object in life 
would be missed by every member of 
the family to which she is the center and 
rallying point! The older members have 
someone yet older than themselves, to 
allow still a feeling of youth, a sort of 
tender barrier between them and the 
dark unknown. The younger ones have 
in Grandma one who makes the past an 
actual true story for them, someone who 

36 


Perpetrations 


37 


seems to hold up the sky upon her shoul¬ 
ders. Nor is age unlovely to the eye. 
As there is the glory of the sun, and 
another of the stars, so there is the beauty 
of youth and the beauty of age. It is 
not that which appeals to the senses, but 
a purer and loftier type. It has the 
difference existing between a red rose 
and a moonbeam, between the body and 
the spirit. One who has seen it in its 
perfection on the lovely face of some old 
lady finds it restful to the eye and as 
pleasant to the soul as the blushing 
beauty of the young girl whose lips are 
pouted for kisses, but whose soul is yet 
to find its transfiguration.” 

" There are three classes into which all 
women after seventy are divided, 'That 
Dear Old Lady/ 'That Old Woman/ and 
'That Old Witch.’” 

"Persons who write about beauty de¬ 
clare that laughing makes wrinkles. Well, 



38 


Perpetrations 


what of it! The man or woman who, 
through adversity even, can wear a smile, 
is the one who is going to keep young. 
Those who close up their hearts to every 
human emotion, who never weep, except 
to shed ‘crocodile tears’ for sympathy, 
who never practice the golden rule or try 
to be human and forbearing are going to 
present a face to the world like a mummy. 
It is enjoying, suffering, being sympa¬ 
thetic, optimistic, enthusiastic, broad¬ 
minded that keeps one young. It is the 
woman of many emotions and much oc¬ 
cupation who does not grow old.” 


“ Happiness is not always increased in 
proportion to enlarged success. Men and 
women are happy just in proportion as 
they are content.” 

“A woman is as young as her friends 
believe her to be, and it is her own fault 
if, given health and occupation, she does 




Perpetrations 


39 


not impress the world at large with the 
idea that at thirty or so she stepped into 
the fountain of youth determined never 
to grow any older if she could help it, 
and she truly can. Let me present such 
object lessons as Sarah Bernhardt and 
Lillian Russell, who bid defiance to 
Father Time.” 


“Toward the close of our years we should 
try to grow sweeter and truer and to live 
such lives that all the lines upon our faces 
are those made by smiles — even if sad 
ones — still smiles. Sympathy should 
become the need and requirement of the 
daily life, encouragement become a de¬ 
mand from one soul of another, and from 
it all comes the softened life, less selfish, 
and purged of the great ‘I. 7 We live 
in our friends, our children, our past, 
maybe, and if it is not an ideal poem 
it is good honest prose, with here and 




40 


Perpetrations 


there a stray bit of poetry that sings in 
the happy love songs of the youth about 
us.” 

“ Nature intended that, like the beau¬ 
tiful flowers, we should bud, blossom, and 
then die; but, my friends, there is beauty 
in every stage of the flower’s life, even 
when the petals are falling one by one. 
There is always the delicate beauty of its 
own life left to the very last.” 



NO TIME? 


How tiresome it is to hear this, that, 
and the other say, “I have no time. ,, 
The hackneyed phrase, “You have all the 
time there is,” has, after all, a good deal 
of philosophy in it, for we do have all the 
time there is, and the use we make of it 
decides our mental and moral stamina. 
We know hundreds of the unemployed 
who declare they have no time, yet the 
busiest of workers have seasons of idle¬ 
ness carefully observed. “If you want 
anything done promptly and well, ask a 
busy man or woman,” and this is so — 
Why? Because usually they have a sys¬ 
tem about matters and do not frivol away 
their valuable time in making long calls, 
or encouraging long-winded callers, or 
waste it in card playing, attending court 
trials, funerals, etc., where only curiosity 

41 


42 


Perpetrations 


beckons. It is the class who never do 
any worthy work in the world who com¬ 
plain of lack of time, and they are the 
very ones who, if they had more time, 
would use no more than now. Deliver 
me from the “eleventh-hour” individual, 
the one who puts off until to-morrow what 
should be done to-day, and then tries to 
wriggle out with some silly excuse. To¬ 
morrow brings its own duties, therefore 
hang high on your walls the motto card 
“Do it Now.” 

We have all of time and the promise of 
all eternity, and if we rightly use the one 
we shall glory in the other. There is no 
difficulty in learning the lesson. 




WHY WHINE? 

Of all disagreeable persons it is the 
whining one. He or she whines if it is 
hot, whines if it is cold, whines at every¬ 
thing, and it is just a habit—that's all. 
The whiner is usually an idle or lazy being, 
one to be avoided on principle. Real 
hard mental and physical work is the 
best cure, work that will interest and 
divert attention so that he will have no 
time to whine. I have in mind one who 
has the whining voice pitched high and 
with the querulous note, the “I am so 
abused and nothing goes right in this 
world" tone — simply unbearable to 
those who find so much in life that is 
good and beautiful. Whining narrows 
and shrinks the mind and it stops develop¬ 
ment of body. It drives away friends 
and prevents making new ones, so quit 

43 


44 


Perpetrations 


it, get to work, forget it, walk on the 
sunny side, stand for something, face 
about, reach up to the stature of a strong, 
ennobling manhood, to the beauty and 
strength of a superb womanhood. 

The late Joseph Jefferson was walking 
along Broadway just before his fatal ill¬ 
ness, and met a friend who exclaimed, 
“Dear me, Joe, your face is pretty well 
wrinkled!” “Well, what of it, my boy, 
my heart ain’t wrinkled, anyhow.” What 
a text! 

On the birthday before my marriage 
my wife gave me a book entitled “A 
Perfect Gentleman.” Any presents 
since? Yes, the title of the last book 
was “Wild Animals I have Met.” 


True laughing is an inward grace of 
which there may be no outward sign. 
That healing ointment for the soul is not 






Perpetrations 


45 


applied with a twisted face and explosive 
noises. Laugh in your minds, not in 
your lungs. If love makes the world go 
round, laughter prevents it going round 
too fast. It is a capital brake for the 
passions, and but for it we would be 
worn out. The art of laughing is quite 
distinct from the art of amusing others. 
The society humorist who has made his 
friends laugh all the evening frequently 
makes his wife cry on his return home. 
Merriment is a great tonic. Cultivate 
it. Giggling is not laughter. 

It is better to make enemies through 
being plain-hearted than friends through 
being deceitful. 

Much better is it to trust and be de¬ 
ceived than never to trust at all. 

“Do you consider matrimony a fail¬ 
ure? ” Well, not to get there might be. 






46 


Perpetrations 


Life is like a blanket too short. You 
pull it up and your toes rebel, you yank 
it down and shivers meander about your 
shoulders; but cheerful folks manage to 
draw their knees up and pass a very com¬ 
fortable night. 

“They say he has great literary ac¬ 
quirements.” “Yes, his chief acquire¬ 
ments are the books he has borrowed and 
never returned.” Many of us have been 
victims of these acquisitions. An adver¬ 
tisement appeared in a paper offering to 
acquaint persons how to keep books. To 
my mind the best way is never to lend 
them. 

As I sat at my window the other day, 
I began to speculate on the passers-by. 
There was a drunken individual leaning 
against the Public Library building, 
when suddenly he took a tack across the 
icy street. Did he fall? Not much. 





Perpetrations 


47 


He moved along and no doubt went home 
to beat his wife and curse the rich. This 
reminds me of the little boy who was 
standing beside his mother when a simi¬ 
lar scene was witnessed. “Say, Ma,.did 
God make that man?” “Yes, my dear.” 
“Huh, I wouldn’t ’a’ done it.” But, to 
continue! As this creature passed on, 
from around the corner came a troop of 
children, who slid along in great glee. 
Did they fall? Not one. Out from a 
hotel across the way came a woman, clad 
in sealskins, waving her hand frantically 
to the motorman. He smiled sardon¬ 
ically and made her walk in the icy street 
half a block. Did she fall? No. Soon 
after a heavily laden truck got stuck, and 
the poor horses were cruelly beaten, by 
a brute of a man, for what they were 
powerless to avert. Did they fall? Yes, 
they did. There may or may not be a 
moral to this; but the fact remains that 



48 


Perpetrations 


this life is full of ups and downs anyway, 
and why not make the best of it and 
accept the rough road as sometimes safer 
than the icy one. But if I ever meet in 
eternity the man who lashed those horses 
when they were down, I hope to have 
the strength and permission to apply 
the whip to him. On second thoughts, 
he may go where icy pavements do not 
prevail. 



VALUE OF JOLLITY 


Is there any credit in being jolly when 
the joints of life are well oiled, angles 
all planed down, and events move as 
smoothly as a waterfall? To be jolly, 
a la Mark Tapley (that blessed creation 
of the lamented Dickens), when an indigo 
atmosphere pervades our very in’ards, 
is the height of heroism. To some the 
lucky star is but a passing meteor, and 
Dame Ill Luck is constantly at the bed¬ 
side, usually with her knitting, prepared 
to stay. She will, too, if you go on en¬ 
couraging her. Why not cultivate the 
cheerful, thus inviting Madam Good 
Luck to come?— and that’s another story 
with a happy ending. 

“Ever disappointed in love?” we were 
once asked. “No, but according to 
Phoebe Cary, many of my married 
friends have been.” 


49 



SERMON vs. FASHION 

Husband. — “Good attendance at 
church this morning, my dear?” 

Wife. — “Yes, everybody there.” 

“Like the sermon?” 

“Charming.” 

“What was the text?” 

“Am sure I don't know — at least I've 
forgotten.” 

“Humph! Your friend Mrs. Newrich 
there?” 

“Oh, yes, and she looked lovely!” 

“Tell us what she had on.” 

“Well, she wore a long cloak of em¬ 
broidered stuff, and new hat with six 
long plumes, and when she stood up for 
the last hymn her cloak fell off, and then 
we all stared, for the dress was red with 
sky-blue bands edged with old rose, and 
there were fifteen rows of these bands. 

50 


Perpetrations 


51 


The top of the dress was sort of filled in 
with lace, and she wore a big horseshoe 
brooch of diamonds that got unfastened 
and made me nervous. Then—” 

“Cut it, I don’t wonder you forgot the 
text!” 


“What is an altar?” said the teacher. 
“A place to burn insects,” said Tommy. 
“Who were the foolish virgins?” Little 
Lizzie replied — “Them as didn’t get 
married.” 




POLICY 


Like a sharp sword in the hands of a 
fencer is policy in the hands of a diplomat. 
It requires brains and tact to be truly 
politic, and the unfortunate being who 
attempts to be cautious, and who is de¬ 
void of the necessary qualifications, such 
as wisdom, reticence, etc., only succeeds 
in making himself ridiculous. To be 
afraid to speak what is in your mind, for 
fear you will make yourself unpopular; 
to be too cautious to mention the fact 
that you are about to practice economy, 
fearing you might be called over-com¬ 
municative; to be backward in taking 
sides, for fear of committing yourself to 
a losing cause; to refrain from rebuking 
errors may be politic to your own feeble 
intelligence, but in the estimation of 

52 


Perpetrations 


53 


brainy folks it is a species of feline idiocy 
worse than fits. Moral cowardice seems 
rampant at times, and silence is too often 
mistaken for policy. 



ONE THEATER NUISANCE 

It is the woman with the fan, who sends 
zephyrs down your spinal column, whom 
I call a nuisance at the play or elsewhere. 
Usually the fan squeaks, usually she sits 
enveloped in furs, and usually she drops 
the fan, and men go groping about our 
ankles in search of it. If you have, per¬ 
chance, left outer garments in the dress¬ 
ing room (the proper place), and the 
auditorium happens to be none too warm, 
it is exasperating to have uninvited 
breezes sent down your back, to have 
your ears grazed, and to listen to the 
wheeze of a fan improperly handled and 
directly behind us (for more than one 
suffers under the infliction). Besides 
there is the ever-pressing danger that 
you may be tempted to sneeze during 
some thrilling act or rudely interrupt a 

54 


Perpetrations 


55 


love scene and disconcert the hero and 
heroine. To avoid this we change our 
seat or politely ask the guilty party to 
send her breezes in another direction. 
Moral: Leave the fan at home, or learn 
how to use it. 




ALL UP FOR THE FLAG 

Is it not Charles Dickens who says 
“ Altogether too many people look at 
everything seeing nothing”? There are 
individuals (not good citizens) who look 
upon our beloved stars and stripes as a 
mere piece of bunting. It has no mean¬ 
ing to them other than a bit of color on 
its landscape. A woman said to me 
during the late unpleasantness with 
Spain, “What a fuss you all make about 
that bunting flag!” The reply from the 
daughter of a soldier was more forceful 
than elegant. If the American flag is 
good enough to live under, and be pro¬ 
tected by, it is good enough to respect. 
Great symbolism is represented in that 
bit of bunting, with the thirteen colonies 
immortalized in its stripes, — there to 
stay, — the field showing progress and 

56 


Perpetrations 


57 


increase in our family of states. One 
needs to read Edward Everett Hale’s 
masterpiece, “A Man Without a Coun¬ 
try,” to fully realize what it means to live 
beneath such a flag, and what it costs 
to forsake it. 



ONE ON THE APE 


A Back Bay lad, in effete Boston, was 
given a penny, and when asked by his 
mother what he did with it he said, “I 
gave it to the monkey.” “Well, what 
did the monkey do with it?” “He put 
it in his cap and gave it to his father who 
was playing the organ.” Apropos of the 
Ape question and theory of evolution, 
a good story is told of the man, who, 
when asked if he thought men sprang 
from apes, replied, “No, but I’m dead sure 
women spring from mice.” 


Why is the average American like 
an Egyptian mummy? Because he is 
“pressed for time.” 


58 



ANTE-MORTEM PRAISE—PLEASE 


I once heard a beautiful eulogy worthy 
of being recorded. The preacher said 
in part: — “A word to you all. Post¬ 
mortem praises are in the air. People 
kiss their dead who never stoop to kiss 
the living. They hover over caskets in 
hysterics, but fail to throw their arms 
about their loved ones who are fighting 
the stern battle of life. A word of cheer 
to the struggling soul in life is worth more 
than all the roses of Christendom piled 
high on the casket cover. The dead 
can’t smell the flowers, but the living 
can; scatter them broadcast in their 
pathway, therefore, and pluck out the 
thorns before it is too late.” Nixon 
Waterman never wrote a more compelling 
verse than his “A Rose to the Living.” 


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